Luther the Geek (1990)

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(1 cow pie)

This dumb cluck of horror flick is all chicken scratch. We begin our sad, sad story many years in the past, where a stupid, ugly little malformed brat, that would be Luther, gets all freaked out when he witnesses a local side-show geek bite the head off a chicken. Then he gets his own teeth knocked out, and Hey-Presto, instant Jeffery Dahmer.

Seriously.

Yes, our dear little Luther grows up to be a psycho-killer ( qu'est ce que c'est...) Naturally, at his first parole hearing he is immediately released into the general public by a bunch of brain-dead bleeding hearts, or there would be no stinky moovie to sit through, and we'd all have to spend out time at KFC, eating a bucket of extra-crispy. Oh, and an-udder interesting detail: our very chic recently parolled psychopath sports metal teeth and clucks like a chicken all day.
Really. All day long.

:=8P

Soooo, after ripping out the throats of various people and chickens with his metal choppers, this bad egg then besieges the farmhouse of a mother and her dumb, breasty daughter Beth, played vaccuously by Stacy Haiduk(tv series SeaQuest and The Kindred) . Haiduk's primary job in this flick is to git nekkid, and the MooCow moost say that our little henny penny goes at it with all the spunky aplomb of a drunken Tonya Harding shotgun-wedding.

Luther torments and kills Breast...uhh, I mean Beth (bad moove!), her dopey boyfriend, and then kills the stupidest cop in Kansas City. He does so while cooing, clucking, and scratching like a chicken.
Really, he does.

Things then heat up when Luther cowfronts the top of the pecking order, Hilary (Joan Roth), Beth's mother hen(no, not THAT Hilary, Luther wouldn't stand a chance...).
And where, you ask, do they stage their ultimate apocalyptic battle: in a barn? Egg-actly! Yes, my friends, the stirring finale, sporting an all-chicken clucking dialogue between Luther & the mother, has to been seen to be believed. It goes something like this:

"Plucka-plucka-plucka!"
"Plucka-plucka-plucka!"
"Cock-a-doodle-dooo!"
"Plucka!"

And so on, and so on, and so on...

Really. I'm not making this up. :=8P

Writer/Director Carlton J. Albright must have had all his scrambled creative eggs in one shallow basket, because never again did he resurface after this fowl slow-roaster was fried, and rightfully so. Even as Balding Chicken-Clucking Psychopathic Metal Teeth-Wearing Geek moovies go, Luther the Geek is painfully slow, murky, and stupid. You have to wonder which is worse, the egg-headed acting, the poultry...er, paltry script, or the bird-brained direction. Yeah, you pretty mooch figure the crew really... winged this one.

The MooCow says even if you feel like chicken tonight, keep this rotten egg in the henhouse.

;=8)

White Zombie (1932)

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I moooost admit - it's kinda nice to have nothing to do all day but sit around and watch classic films. While the udder cows in the barn are off hangin' around the fields all day, this cow pulled out an old classic horror flick from the 30's - White Zombie!!! :=8D

A young couple, Neil and Madelein, meet a friendly stranger on the voyage to Hait; this stranger, the very rich Charles Beaumont, invites them back to his antebellum mansion not far from Port-au-Prince, oestensibly to help the couple get married and offer young Neil a job. Beaumont, however, is a cad, who wishes to have Madelein for himself; when he cannot convince her to forsake Neil, Beaumont turns to the mysterious Legendre, a dark master of even darker forces, who has his own plans for the innocent young couple.

White Zombie is a seminal zombie film which moore than sets the tone for such later zombie flicks as King of the Zombies ('41), I Walked with a Zombie('43), and Revenge of the Zombies ('43) - and even had an influence on the later zombie/ghoul flick such as George Romero's Night of the living Dead ('68) and Lucio Fulchio's Zombie ('80). Not to split cow hairs, but this cow has always seen a slight, but definite, difference between old-time zombies (zombified but still-living humans) and the later very much dead shambling blood-thirsty limb-tearing corpses. The later, classic zombies are more atmospheric and mythic, playing upon human superstition and primal fears, while the newer zombies are pretty mooch barf-fest gross-out devices. Fortuneately for the MooCow, there's room for both zombie archetypes in his mooovie universe. ;=8)

White Zombie was released in 1932, partially to ride on Bela Lugosi's coattails and cash in on his blossoming superstardom (Dracula had just been released). It was directed by Victor Halperin (of the Halperin brothers, who also produced), and shot on a number of great Universal back-lot sets. White Zombie was actually one of the earliest independent films, shot on what was even then a rather slim budget. Halperin (Revolt of the Zombies, Girl's Town) does a fine job capturing the dark, forbidding atmosphere of zombie-haunted Haiti, and take advantage of some really fine sets. One device which crops up throughout the film are gothic crosses: in the first scene a zombie shambles by wearing one; both Lugosi and co-star Madge Bellamy are shot through stone gothic decorative crosses(framed quite nicely); Bellamy wanders beside the cliff edge dressed in a gown covered with decorative gothic crosses; a local witchdoctor hands out necklaces with gothic crosses on them as protective devices. The metaphore here seems to suggest arcane power, power both to control and to protect against the supernatural.

The film itself is deliciously arch, broody, and atmospheric, and is rich in striking imagery. One of the MooCow's favorite images comes early, when we seet the stiff, shambling zombies put to work on "Murder" Legendre's (Lugosi) sugar mill - one of them shuffles to close to the edge and falls into the grinder, yet no one reacts. Very creepy.

The actors all cowtribute with first-rate acting(at least in the 30's style, which wasn't that far remooved from the silent film era, so you have to expect a bit of over-emphasis). Lugosi, in particular, is wonderful in portraying just enough menace, mystery, and malevolence to make his zombie master character one of the prime horror film archetypes. His glowing eyes, folded hands, and piercing stare are all used to full effect.

The rest of the cast sparkles as well. Bellamy(Lorna Doone), as Madeliene, has a lovely face and huge eyes, and provides exactly enough pathos as the victimized heroine. John Harron (Laugh and Get Rich) plays Neil, her would-be husband. Neil is a bit of a whiner, and a drama-queen to boot, but he at least is played with all the boy-scout sincerity need to make his character at least partially sympathetic. Joseph Cawthorn (The Great Ziegfeld) plays a wonderfully understated support role as Dr. Bruner, the friendly missionary who both supports the young couple and suspects Beaumont - give the man a match already, will ya! ;=8)
Beaumont is played by Robert Frazer(The Vampire Bat); Beaumont is a cad, but he too has just enough humanity in him to regret his dire actions and help destroy the evil zombie master. Watch carefully, and you will notice Clarence Muse(Porgy & Bess) as a carriage-driver, an uncredited early role for the veteran actor.

White Zombie isn't a perfect film. Pacing is problematic tthroughout, especially by today's standards. And just what is that big ugly squawking bird supposed to be, anycow?? The characters saw it is a vulture, but looks like a falcon and sounds like a raven. The bird was annoying. The zombies are pretty simple; they are extras who stand around, wide-eyed and emotionless, and then shamble off slooooowly to do their master's nefarious bidding. This will unfortunately forever cast the moovie zombie as one of the slowest creatures ever filmed. The ending of White Zombie is a little too pat as well: all the zombies happily walk off a cliff at the end, Beaumont, zombified by Lugosi earlier, gets his revenge by knocking Bela over the cliff edge too, and then casting himself off the precipice in a final ending where everyone not cute and cuddly hits the drink. A little moore background on the "native" superstitions about zombies would have certainly added depth.

In fact, racially-sensitive persons watching White Zombie should do so with a certain amount of patience - 30's Hollywood was not known for its accurate, sympathetic portrayal of "native" ie dark-skinned peoples, and White Zombie is unfortunately no different. The oooga-boooga dance and drum "ceremony" at the begining of the film, where a group of "natives" are burying someone suspected of zombie activity in the middle of a road, to prevent his rising(kind of like the old, European way to bury a vampire/werewolf/witch, in the middle of a cross-roads), is pretty cheesy. Not Ed Wood cheesy, certainly, but a little bit of authenticity would have gone a long way here. :=8/

Overall, White Zombie is a classic horror film that both horror fans and classic moovie fans alike should enjoy. Try to find a good DVD transfer - the film is now public domain, which means there are a lot of piss-poor copies bundled onto horror film compilations. The Roan Group has the definative copy of White Zombie, together with commentary, original trailers, and some interesting add-ons featuring Bela Lugosi that Lugosi fans really need to see.

The MooCow says - git yer hooves on a cooy of White Zombie today!! :=8D

Club Vampire (1998)

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(3 cow pies)

Ahh, nothing like a bracing constitutional to the local Blockbuster to pull down from the shelves a stinker so bad that not even Skin-amax will play it at 3 a.m. on a Friday night.

Club Vampire is an appallingly awful, deadful mess of a vampire moovie, bolstered by wretched acting, cheap fx, stupid characters, and faux-artsy direction. Never has the MooCow seen such horrible pretention boldly displayed as "art". Club Vampire comes off as one of those fake "alternative" flicks where everybody has a ring stuck in their face, even the kids. The whole herd howled in laugher through out the entire moovie, which showed, among udder things, an underground nightclub where chunky, hairy men are ridden like horses, topless bimbos playing nude "Twister" to cheesy Kenny G-like lite-jazz, and a green-haired, spider-tattooed midget vampire, who pops around at will, sort of like a demonic little Kazoo from the old "Flintstones" cartoon.

John Savage(The Deer Hunter) gives the embarassing performance of his life, every bit as bad as John Voight's overwroght, cheesy performance in Anaconda. He twitches, he pouts, he spouts inane dialogue generally reserved for the cheapest porno flicks from the lowest peep shows from the Philippines. I hope he got paid well for smearing muck, mud, slime, and goo all over his good professional name. We are actually forced to hear and watch John Savage rap. The horror...the horror...

The rest of the grade "D" cast is worse, and overacts shamelessly. The usually reliable Michael J. Anderson("Twin Peaks") gives a shameful performance as the green-haired tiny vampire, and the MooCow feels very sorry for him. Starr Andreef (Scanner Cop) has all the charisma of a used condom found floating in the muck of a backed-up city sewer. Porn actors in vile snuff films have given moore professional perfomances. Watching her puke up and pull out her own intestines(pitiful though the effect is) ranks as one of the mooost depressing, vile, and icky things this cow has ever seen. The very idea that she plays someone's MOTHER is perhaps the ickiest idea of all. :=8P

The blame for this pathetic, appalling trainwreck can be placed squarely on the shoulders of one Andy Ruben, writer and director. No stranger to bottom-feeding trash cinema, Andy Ruben, as a writer, is responsible for gracing the world with such memorable grade-Z rubbish as Stripped to Kill, Poison Ivy, and Rumble in the Streets. But on Club Vampire, he gets to sit in the big chair and REALLY let his imagination take flight! Imagine: this pusilanemous flotsom of a vision came directly from his brain. Ed Wood eat yer heart out, indeed.

It you can detect the liver-spotted, gin-soaked hand of Roger Corman on this feeble flick, give yourself an A+!! Yes, this is an-udder Concorde-New Horizons stink-pie, owned by the King of Cheap Stinkers himself, Roger Corman. He served as Ruben's Executive Producer, making sure that not one single dime of his money went to anything even remotely acquainted with excellence.

Folks, I gotta tell ya, the MooCow felt like a clubbed baby seal by the end of this feeble flick, and that's saying something. If pure, undiluted, abject failure is what you seek, search no further than yer local Blockbuster, where they will happily serve you a slice of this rotten turkey - heck, they might even beg you to keep it.

:=8P

The Village (2004)

:=8I

Whatever you do...DON'T go in the woods!! Why?? Because..there are GIANT TOOTHY HEDGEHOG MONSTERS IN RED CAPES out there!!!!

Heh???

I imagine this is sort of how M. Night Shyamalan first pitched his high concept moovie idea for The Village to the suits at Touchstone Pictures. The fervent, mysterious director is so far responsible for 1 excellent flick (Sixth Sense), and a couple of boring stinkers (Unbreakable, Signs) - in talent-strapped Hollywood, this passes for clout.
Once the look dazed confusion set on their faces, I can see M. Night recovering himself quickly by adding:

"Ok, but, not all is as it seems. 'Cause, there's this rich guy, and a group of bitter Baby Boomers who hate the city, and a cute red-head girl whose feral brother lusts for her, and a bland guy who doesn't talk much but writes things down so other people can read it for him, and they all live in the woods without electricity or running water, surrounded by the evil giant hedgehogs who want to eat them EXCEPT...they really aren't".

Heh????

"Look, just gimme the money, I made Sixth Sense, didn't I? And I'm writing the thing, so you won't have to pay a proper writer for composing the script. And I can get some of my buddies from previous films to help out".

Bruce Willis, the suits ask hopefully?

"Well, no, Bruce is busy being drunk in a South Jersey bar. I got the Gladiator guy!"

Russell Crowe!?!

Ummm, no, the other one, Joaquin Phoenix, you know, from Signs.

Never saw it. Ok, whatever, just go make us some money.

Ok, maybe that scene was a touch cynical, even for the crusty old MooCow - thing is, The Village is actually an ok moovie that suffers from a delusional script. Had an actual writer written the script there probably wouldn't have been so many story holes, painfully obvious plot devices, and arch dialogue, all of which, I am sure, are part of M. Night Shyamalan's "vision". This is a perfect example of there an-udder set of eyes would have focused that vision.

The story centers around this group of Amish-like country folk, living in a picturesque village some unspecified part of the country, at some unspecified time in history. Right away you have the sense something is wrong because these sturdy farm-folk talk strangely, have forbidden colors, and are frightened of...something in the woods: Those We Do Not Speak Of. We, the audience, don't know what they are, because they won't speak about them.

Among the villagers are Lucius(Joaquin Phoenix, Gladiator), an introverted young man who...well, its never very clear just what it is he does all day long; Alice(Sigourney Weaver, Alien) is his repressed mother with secrets; Ivy(Bryce Dallas Howard) is a cute, spunky, blind red-head(who looks disturbingly like a hot Opie with breasts) who loves him; Noah(Adrian Brody, The Pianist), her crooning, blubbering, spiting retarded brother; and Edward Walker (William Hurt, The Accidental Tourist), father to Ivy and Noah and clan leader of the village elders. Also hanging around looking solemn are Brendan Gleeson(The General) , Cherry Jones(The Perfect Storm), and Michael Pitt (Bully).

Because there is a rather obvious plot "surprise", the MooCow won't go into the actual story details, such as they are, but suffice to say this Mulligan's Stew of a cast gets to fumble through M. Night's plot holes and spout M. Night's insufferable dialogue, trying to find "the truth".

The truth is the cast of actors does remarkably well with the material given them: Hurt and Howard in particular give very convincing performances. For Bryce Dallas Howard, daughter of director and Happy Days alumni Ron Howard, The Village represents her coming-out party. Her perfomance is energetic and convincing, and she represents a warm spot in a rather cold, funereal film. The udder actors also register, although moore film time for Sigourney Weaver and Brendan Gleeson would have been an improvement.

Technically, the moovie was well-made(this cow never noticed the boom-mike snafus that udder moovie go-ers report seeing, so that cud have been a bad print) on the whole. Shyamalan gives the film an appropriate dark and forbidding tone, and the cinemaphotography capturing the lush Montgomery County countryside is lovely. He adds a nice twist by (seemingly) killing off one of the main characters (Lucius) midway through the film, and allowing one of the supporting characters (Ivy) carry moost of the final half of the film, including the "shockingly revealed truth". But Shyamalan relies exlusively on old-hat tricks to try to scare the audience, using sudden loud music cues to telegraph when something frightening is going to happen. He also seems rather lazy, relying too much on the audience's suspension of belief rather than crafting a story which goes deeper into WHY the audience is willing to be convinced. Sixth Sense did that sort of thing in much moore subtle, cleverer ways than The Village. You may still get scared, but only if you are willing to forgive a lot of contrivances.

Overall, The Village is an okay moovie, slightly disappointing, perhaps, but still better than the standard Bruckheimer-esque mindless escapism which has dug its filthy claws deep into Hollybore these days. If nothing else, enjoy the film's sense of brooding dread, Bryce Dallas Drew's perky performance, and....umm... watch out for giant evil hedgehogs in red capes.

;=8)

The MooCow Rating System!

Film Rating Explaination Symbol

Good Film Just that; check it out. :=8)
Great Film Excellent! A moost-see! :=8D
Mediocre Film Just ok, purty average. :=8I
Below Average Film Not very good; avoid. :=8/
Bad Film Yuck! Don't Go Near. :=8(
Stinky Film Oh so bad, but oh so good! :=8P
Guilty Pleasure Flawed, but lots of fun! ;=8)
Cow Pie An Abomination. Worthless. @
Snoozer. Boring in the Extreme. <=8.

TESTING 1-2-3 Here is the maiden voyage of yet an-udder MooCow Blog!!! :=8D

Ghost World(2002)

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Ghost Wold is a putry good little indie. It stars Thora Birch(American Beauty) as Enid, a caustic, self-absorbed, 'Seen it-Hated it!" teen who is trying to figure out what to do with her life now that she has graduated high school. She wants to move in with her equally-acerbic best friend, but can't get past the problem of working for money to pay for rent, food, clothing, etc. She and her friend spend most of their time making fun of slackers, posers, and losers, at least until Enid finds a "loser" who fascinates her. Steve Buscemi(Reservoir Dogs) is Seymour, a fast-food chicken manafer who avoids his domineering mother, obsesses over and collects old 78's, and who hasn' had a date in years. Enid sees Seymour as a kindred spirit, and a rather strange relationship develops between the two.

In the meantime, Enid is forced to attend a "remedial art class for retards, fuck-ups and losers"(taught by Illeana Douglas); mooch of the film's humor comes from Enid's conflict with arty pretensions. She tries to fit in, but can't, and in the end Enid flees the city, on a bus to some random destination, without her having learned much about herself or life in general. Such a nihilistic and bitingly sarcastic film is rare these days, even by indie standards, and this cow is unable to name many films(apart from Welcome to the Dollhouse and Happiness) which have this edge.

The performances are all solid, the film is nicely paced, the soundtrack is marvelous, and the dialogue is wickedly humorous. Enid is a tough character to like; you get the feeling she should have been spanked once or twice by her wilting flower father(Bob Babalan), just so she can get over herself, but her break-down in the last third of the film is genuine and softens her persona cowsiderably. While not a perfect film, the MooCow says check out Ghost World, you won't be disappointed!